The World According to Nat

The Best Kind of Beautiful -A song I wrote and recorded in 08 for my amazing Mom

2011-05-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

“Best Kind of Beautiful” (PRESS "PLAY" ABOVE FOR AUDIO)

Written by Natalie Lofthouse
© 2008 for Terri Fausett

She… She sees the world for all that it can be
Unlike Me
And She… She sacrifices so unselfishly
Despite her needs
She’s the best kind of Beautiful

◊◊◊◊◊◊

He… He wanted her to feel like she was everything
He made her sing
And He… He would’ve given anything to make her see
He loved her mightily
And found her infinitely Beautiful

CHORUS I

Beautiful in body
Beautiful in heart
Beautiful though time may someday
Wrestle them apart
Beautiful, oh, through it all
Nothing the years could take away
Radiant in every single way
She is the best kind of Beautiful

◊◊◊◊◊◊

I… I’ve listened in the night and heard her cry
Though time’s gone by
Since He… was taken from her, oh so suddenly
Yet in our memory
He’s the best kind of Beautiful

CHORUS II

Beautiful in spirit
Beautiful in soul
Beautiful in showing us all
Life’s a miracle
Beautiful, oh, through it all
Then letting go when it was time
And though there’s no way to make that clock rewind
He is the best kind of Beautiful
PAGE II

She… She makes me see the possibilities
Inspires me
And She… Becomes my air when I can’t seem to breathe
Teaches me to believe
We’re all the best kind of Beautiful

CHORUS III

Beautiful in joy and sadness
Beautiful inside
Beautiful in realizing
That we’ve nothing to hide
Beautiful, oh, through it all
Whatever hurt my come along
Our broken lives can still become a song
Become the best kind of Beautiful…

… She is the Best Kind of Beautiful

Nat's Cranky Christmas Song

2010-11-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

(Tune of Christmas Time)

♫Halloween is here

But weather is severe

And store décor

Suggests the Christmas chore

Is two months earlier this year.♫ (what the Heck?!)

♫Presents and Price tags,

This is such a drag.

Ornaments and Festive M&Ms

In my trick-or-treating Bag! ♫(wish I were kidding!)

♫Charity bells in the air,

Fruitcakes everywhere. (not just the edible ones!)

Except for Tryptophan,

And football fans, (bleah)

It’s like November’s barely there.♫

♫Black Friday causes Brawls

Santa’s at the Mall. (you’re early, fat man!)

It may be snide to deck him in the side

But it’s not time Deck the Halls!♫

♫Dumb sweaters, all this fuss

It’s so ridiculous!

Up at three to get a cheap flat screen

You fight and scream and flail and cuss♫
(what Christmas Spirit!)

♫But let me make this clear

When Christmas is actually near (it’s in December, people!)

I’ll sing those festive tunes

And watch the Grinch cartoons

And stop popping your lawn Reindeer!♫

(yes, that was me)

Merry whatever holiday it actually is, ya crazies!

You Know What I Hate?! Shower injuries!

2010-01-18T12:54:00.000-08:00

Know what I hate?

When you get in the shower in the morning, go to start washing, start with the armpits, and the soap is FREEZING COLD!

So you drop the bar of evil slippery frigidness on your toe. You don't want to get your hair wet, so you try to slide the soap up to the rim of the tub with your foot; and by the attempt, you slip on the snail-like moisture trail. Then after some frantic flailing to catch balance, you still eat it, smacking your tail bone on the tub rim and knocking all the (also cold) shampoo bottles onto your lap and trying your darndest not to pull the shower curtain and rod on top of your contorted body!

The only thing worse than hurting yourself in such a pathetic way, is doing so naked! I think I just might be willing to spend the extra 7 bucks on body wash in the future.

Halloween

2009-11-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

Kader and I took a weekend trip to Logan just before Halloween.
These are the awesome Maple Leaves that piled up in my sibblings' place.
He Loved playing in them!

This is a "Where the Wild Things Are" head putter inner thing
that was on the Pumpkin walk

Halloween at the Trunk or Treat. These things are highly overrated
so we ended up doing some door to door candy solicitation.
Anthony was much more interested in all the 'Puckins on fire'
(jack-o-lanterns) than he was in the candy.
He kept turning it down! (I took it though)

My cute little garden gnome :)
I was looking for a costume that would be easy to make.
Super proud of this one.. No Travelocity jokes!
(It did take 30 minutes and much candy bribery to get him to wear that stupid beard!)
I still can't get him to hold still and pose in the Garden though.

Kader's Blessing

2009-08-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yes! We finally did it. The blessing went great, and Anthony even folded his arms the whole time! Larry performed the blessing Sunday the 23rd; it was the same day as the Temple Dedication, so it was extra special and we get to tell him when he gets older that He and a Temple were blessed the same day :)

5th of July

2009-08-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

We were invited to Phil's (Clayton's boss) house on the 4th, and I forgot the camera. Which ended up being okay, because Anthony FREAKED out when the fireworks started and we had to hide in the car so he wouldn't have a panic attack or faint like a goat! Quite disappointing, really, since we thought he would love his first fireworks show. Apparently he prefers fire that doesn't make noise.

So we spent the evening of the fifth and the 24th doing mainly sparklers and semi-crackly fountains, but he had fun :) Our little Patriot (probably a sternum itch)
Clayton starting the celebratory Pyrotechnics

What the....

Me likey da Shparklers!

You know what I Hate? ...

2009-07-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

INDISCRETE PUBLIC NOSE-BLOWING, and Loogie hawking!

That's right.. I'll be the one to say it. Please don't blow your nasal treasures, or expell your slimy epiglotal inhibitors within hearing distance of others (at least myself!)

I am generally not one who is easily grossed out. But I have limits. The threshhold has been crossed when MUCUS becomes audible! Okay, I understand that sometimes we are in a public place and find ourselves with a surprise beak leak and no place private to go. Notice that the hate description includes the word "Indiscrete." Go ahead and blow softly, as if trying to extinguish candles on a booger birthday cake. If you find that inadequate.. look harder for that private corner. A soundproof panic room would be ideal!

I really get the heavies when I am somewhere respectable and public (like a bank or in church) and my ears are raped by the sound of someone who just HAD to blow their Nose-Chunks RIGHT in the middle of a crowd. Unacceptable! Especially when they snuff, huff, and puff so hard that you can actually distinguish the exact moment the solidified mucus chunks hit the hanky! COME ON!

And there's that second group.. who don't carry tissue or hankies, or understand that bathrooms everywhere have solutions to this oversight. The "Snarffler." Oh yes.. you know who you are, and you know just what this word means because the sound a snarffler makes actually sounds like Snarffle! They don't casually sniff; they snarf. They are trying to avoid blowing their noses by inhibiting the mucus by sucking it all back in. Think about this.. it's really just like blowing your nose backwards! Back to main point. What you're Hearing during this process is that Phlegm rattling in the back of their throat whith overtones of that rumbling nose sound I can only describe as sounding like a nasal jack-hammer. This is followed by the classic "hawch-Tooey" as whatever the jack-hammer has loosened goes flying threw the air to land who knows where. These people generally don't consider the physics of projectile throat chunks.

I PLEAD! When blowing something out your nose, or shooting it out your mouth, do it where you expell bodily fluids from your other Orifices! I don't want to hear the gurgle of your phlegm just as much as I don't want to hear the crackle of your bowel movement, Nkay?

This is my petition.. and so I close.

Hawaii Adventure

2009-06-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

So Clayton and I were able to have the awesome opportunity to take a REAL vacation this year thanks to my Mom (who took over a time share.) She offered to take the three of us if we handled the planning and travel arrangements. I now have a greater respect for travel agents.

So after inquiring, planning, reserving, confirming, and reconfirming everything, we were all set to go. Then Mom broke her foot and had to have surgery the day before leaving! She still decided to come so she could recover in Paradise instead of Price.

This was the first of many obstacles we were to overcome. Mom had to hop down 25 isles of seats on the plane, and seven hours in the air with a broken foot in Coach.. just think of it! I have never seen toes get that swollen in my life, they were like cabbage patch feet!

Then came the challenge of hauling five people's luggage and carryon bags while trying to push a wheelchair and a stroller. Clayton is mostly responsible for making this happen somehow.. because when we run into desperate circumstances, he becomes batman!

After getting bad directions to the first resort, we battled with the night staff about parking and getting a wheelchair and how many people were staying in the room, etc.. and found out we had to do all our own dishes, empty our own garbages, AND pay a substantial fee for maid service (even though they don't change your sheets or towels the whole time.. WHAT, pray tell, are we paying for?) We couldn't seem to get the right directions to any destination either, the streets are all one way, and we discovered that the main highway across the Island seemed only to have Westbound onramps!

Our day at the PCC was a lot of fun, though. It was wicked hot, but we had some lovely chicken pieces on a stick, and got to see many many shirtless men in skirts paddling cannoes and climbing palm trees (which is very brave in a dress.) We got to attend or first Luau and experience bizzarre foods like see-through rice noodles, Poi, and purple dinner rolls. The night show was just alright.. until the fire dancers came out. And OHHHH, it was so worth it to stay! Though it is in better taste than a chick dancing on a pole, a man dancing with fire is just as exotic!

When we got to Maui, it felt much more relaxed the first evening. Our room looked out right over the Ocean, and we weren't 30 yards from the beach. Clayton decided to go swimming and unwind and ended up cutting himself on coral and getting a wicked sunburn. It looked like the poor boy was Molting! The peeling started at the top of his head and worked its way down. But there were tender moments that came from that. Nothing brings a couple closer than peeling dead skin off eachother.

There is a seaside shopping place called Front Street where we went to get some souveniers. It was a good time until we discovered that a wheelchair is actually capable of getting a flat tire! Sort of.. the rubber thingy completely detached from the wheel, and we had to solicit a tatto artist in an alley to help us fix it.

We decided to experience the Road to Hana because of the local hype. It was the curviest road we have ever seen, but there was some interesting scenery. Like the scene of wild chickens everywhere.. living with ferrel cats. This gave my sister Megan the opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream of bowling for wild chickens with tropical fruit. Ideally, she wanted to use a coconut, but all we had was a pineapple. On the windy road back we noticed Anthony looking a little unwell. Then he puked string cheese and fish all over himself and the rental car. We had to crank the windows down and stick our heads out for the hour long drive back. Mahimahi vomit is the worst king of vomit!

Our last day in Maui, my sister and I wanted to go Parasailing. We got more wrong directions.. twice, which led to unnecessary valet parking, then getting a car right back out of valet parking, leaving Clayton, Mom, and Anthony on the wrong beach so Mom wouldn't have to hop back to the car, and Meg and I were late. BUT, it was the most fabulous experience once we were in the air and we loved it. We went to eat at the place renowned as serving the BEST fish tacos in the world.. and we all got a chicken burrito (?) Anthony was still in his swimmer diaper, which it turns out does not hold much fluid. I sat him in the passenger seat to get my keys, and saw that he peed all over the seat.. this is the SECOND rental car. So he puked in one, and peed in the other. We were starting to worry about getting our deposits back at this point, but it turned out ok.

MAN, it's so good to be home! We are still recovering from the four hour time change and don't know when to sleep or eat, and we are trying to forget the crappy stuff.. or at least find it humorous eventually. We did have a lot of good times, though. The pictures in the blog below show some of these. Now we look forward to the next National Lampoons/Lofthouse vaction!

Mahalo!

Hawaii Pics

2009-06-18T14:07:00.001-07:00

Fake turtle at the Maui Aquarium. They wouldn't let us ride the real ones.

Sunset at the Airport

Nat at the PCC Luau

View from our room.. This was the coolest! (except actually hot because there was no air conditioner)

Anthony was Deliriously tired at the Luau. It was 11pm our time (7pm in HI)

Sweet Waves off the Kenei shore

Falls and pool on the Road to Hana

Pineapply frozen deliciousness at the PCC

They served this off of a moving concession cannoe!

Clayton is quite a little rock-hopper

Hawaii Temple Visitors Center

Fat-ness

2009-06-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

So most of you know that I used to be quite overweight (I know what you're thinking, I'm still working on the love handles.) ANYWAY, I had weightloss surgery in 2000 that corrected a metabolic issue and 100+ pounds fell off my poor tired bones.

I have been thinking about all the reasons that convince me this was the right thing to do, and for all you naturally thin people (grumble).. this may give you a glimpse into the world of fat-ness; so far this is my list...

WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT DITCHING THE WEIGHT

The ability to do less retarded jumping jacks because your knees can actually touch now

Putting on a bathing suit or elastic waist bands without looking like the Michelin Man

Realizing that your belly button is not longer an endless Chasm of darkness

Two words… GOODBYE CANKLES!!

Getting into a car and NOT feeling your back-fat roll up behind your shoulders

No armpit wings caused by poor fitting bras!

Being able to wear rings without the potential threat of losing a finger from loss of circulation

Though it may likely still be there, Our muffin-tops no longer go ALL the way around

Being able to wrap a towel around ourselves without it looking like an open curtain around the hips!

We can sit on a toilet without parts of us lopping over the sides – creating an air-tight seal!

When we walk down the street in a dress, our butts are no longer mistaken for two pigs fighting under a blanket

Less under-boob sweat!

SO FAREWELL FAT.. AND HELLO FLAPPY LOOSE SKIN THAT FITS ME LIKE AN OLD SWEATER :)

A Mothers Day Tribute by Nat

2009-05-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

It all started with conception
And Dad had to help too;
when two cute gametes made a connection,
and you thought you had the flu.

But it was ME who made you sick
And fat, and tired, and grumpy.
Then nine months later, I shot out
And you got much less lumpy.

Thank you, Mom, for all you've done
For putting up with me
Now a parent myself, I've learned how it feels
To ALWAYS have to pee!

You tell me childbirth is like taking your lip
and stretching it over your head.
Funny how this miracle starts and ends
Spread eagle in a bed!

"Why"s for the Wise.. the 2nd installment

2009-04-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

I Wonder why I have always wanted to be able to pee standing up, whilst wanting to be able to do so many other tasks sitting down!

Why does it seem that ya always wake up with the deep, crusty boogers the morning after cutting all your booger-reaching fingernails off?!

Why is it that sometimes kissing is just a thrilling, rejuvenating, and euphoric experience; yet at other times it’s just sucking on the sweeter end of 27 feet of intestine?

I wonder if one of the purposes of life is to understand opposites in recognizing our potential awesomeness by our capacity to suck so badly.

A survey a day keeps the productiveness away!

2009-03-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

A
- Available: a lot more than I used to be! (not it the relationship status!)
- Age: 28- Annoyance: Blinker-leaver-onners, girls who chew gum with their mouth open while talking on their fake jewel incrested cell phones, when the arch of my foot has a wicked itch while I have lace-up shoes on, arrogance, mean people, when I hear the word “anyways”, and people who go on and on about what annoys them
- Animal: Frogs
B
- Beer: No thanks, I’ll take a virgin pepsi
- Birthday: 12-19- Best friend: I have two. You know who you are
- Body part on opposite sex: Is this asking what body part is specific to the opposite sex? -Because you really should know this- Or what I’m attracted to? Though I appreciate that first one, I have to say I’m more attracted to the ear/jawline combo and shoulder blades
- Best feeling in the world: Being outside, taking in a really deep breath, and feeling like everything is good right at that moment. Usually the feeling doesn’t last long enough.
- Blind or Deaf: I’m not partial, I enjoy the company of both blind and deaf people. What a discriminatory question! I would prefer to be blind, because good music can improve almost any bad situation. (hopefully being blind is one of those situations!)
- Best weather: Stormy with huge raindrops and no wind OR my first choice, sunny and breezy enough to avoid underboob sweat
- Been in love: I still am, though sometimes I have to talk myself into it.
- Been on stage: Yes a lot, I really miss it now. (singing, not acting)
- Believe in magic: I believe in that childhood magic feeling you get at Christmas or at Disneyland. I want that back
C
- Candy: Kitkat or Reisens. Oh, M&Ms and 100 grande bars. Pretty much anything but salt water taffy or gummy bears, or all things gummy-like.
- Color: Purple
- Chocolate or Vanilla: Swirly- Chinese or Mexican food: Mexican (I am somewhat discriminatory when it comes to ethnic food. But I wouldn’t be put out if they were allowed to be eaten in the same restaurants. Stop the food segregation!
- Continent to visit: Australia!!!! The strippers there only take their shirts off, so that’s okay isn’t it??
- Cheese: Muenster and Provolone
D
- Day or Night: Day unless I’m naked- Dancing in the rain: Oh absolutely!
E
- Eyes: Hazel- Everyone's got: A Soul (as apposed to just “soul,” which I definitely don’t have but I want it)
- Ever failed a class?: No, C is the lowest grade I ever got, and it was in college, and I wanted to cry. C is for Chemistry!
F
- First thoughts waking up: This day will not suck, this day will not suck, this day will not suck
- Food: Pasta
G
- Greatest fear: Not knowing who I am, and therefore being afraid of all the wrong things
- Goals: Get my last college degrees, lose 30 pounds, survive not working (financially)
- Gum: Cinnamon
- Get along with your parents?: Awesomely. It was slightly compromised during the first boyfriend phase.
H
- Hair Color: Honey-ish
- Height: 5’7’’
- Happy: Try every day
- Holiday: Christmas
- How do you want to die: What the crap kind of question is this?! I suppose either in my sleep OR while doing something really spectacular that I can rewind over and over to show people in heaven (or wherever I go) how cool it was
I
- Ice Cream: Pralines and Cream
- Instrument: Piano and Guitar. Pretty crappy at both
J
- Jewelry: Conservative and cheap
- Job: Domestic Engineer

K
- Kids: one toddler who I am determined not to screw up. More later? I’ll let this be out of my hands in the future, but for now I’m mostly keeping the risk factor out of my pants
-Kickboxing or Karate: Karate
- Keep a journal?: Yes. Write in it faithfully… about every three months
L
- Love: Is a battlefield according to Pat Benetar. Some wisdom DID come out of the eighties! Problem is, there is only a victory if you both win!
- Letters: I like handwritten letters, but have been sucked into email. This comment is brought to you by the letter Z
- Laugh: embarrassingly loud if I’m really amused. An obnoxious and persistent giggle if I’m nervous
M
- Milk flavor: cow. I’ll do without breast and goat.
- Movies: Comedy with some twisted humor
- Motion sickness? Used to
- McD’s or BK: ew
N
- Number: 17. Anytime I need to pull a random number out of my butt, it’s 17 (at least 17% of the time). This comment is brought to you by the number 17.
O
- One wish: To be as good a parent as mine were.
P
- Perfect pizza: Chicken and spinach, crispy crust. If it was delivery instead of specialty, canadian bacon and pineapple.
- Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi, diet cherry, and a lime wedge makes it particularly delightful
Q
- Quality: Loyalty
R
- Reason to cry: Period
- Reality T.V.: I used to be forthwith against all reality television. But I watched the last Bachelor faithfully.
- Radio Station: Mood-dependant
- Roll your tongue in a circle: okay… now what
- Ring size: Thix alnd a halthf (can I unroll my tongue for the rest?)
S
- Song: Sky Blue and Black (Jackson Brown) was a favorite for the longest
- Shoe size: 9
- Salad Dressing: Why are people so bloody interested in salad dressing preference?? Ranch
- Sushi: sushi is not food. It is what food eats.
- Skinny dipped? More than once… or twice!
- In the shower?: Yes, I am generally naked when I shower.. but not skinnily
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries. I don’t think blueberries are really a fruit. I think that it’s the bushes poop
T
- Tattoos?: Regrettably, yes. Between the shoulderblades
- Time for bed: What? It’s 10 am, and you’re not the boss of me!
- Thunderstorms: LOVE them
U
- Unpredictable: I try to be. Hence the tattoo and piercing escapades. I didn’t want to be definable.
V
- Vacation spot(s): San Diego Beach.
W
- Weakness: FOOD and Pepsi and saying no to my kid when he wants bad food… (or.. pepsi)
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Hmmm, my friends are smarter than that generally
- Who makes you laugh the most: my family. Not because we’re deliriously happy around eachother, but because they’re funny as hell
- Worst feeling: Failure and loss
- Wanted to be a model: Abso-freakin-lutely not!
- Wine: Pepsi- Worst weather? Windy. Snow wind sucks because the snowflakes slam into your eyes and eardrum, and warm wind sucks because it blows crap like dirt and leaves into your eyes, and your face gets hair-whipped to death
Y
- Year it is now: 2009
- Yellow: Pee? Or are you calling me a coward.
Z
- Zoo animal: Spider Monkey

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept beside you?: Sweetass, though he’s been tempted to sleep elsewhere since I’ve had some nocturnal gas issues as of late
2. You went to the mall with? Shelsi
3. You went to dinner with? I haven’t gone to dinner for a long time. Probably Clayton on my birthday
4. You talked to on the phone? Callie (yay for Callie, btw)
5. Made you laugh? Kade
6. Hugged you? Had a good family hug. My favorite.

Second Mondays

2009-03-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought
that there may be
A second first day of the week?

The sun is out
And I slept well
But why this feeling of Monday hell?

Feeling stressed
So much to do
Don't want to start this week anew!

Thank heaven for Xanax
And Breakfast food
I decide to be in a perfect mood.

But then, aww crap
My plans are flubbed
My two-year-old SHAT in the Tub!

Natalie 2009

Kade's 2nd Birthday

2009-02-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

Every Single balloon ended up getting trapped
up in the insanely high clubhouse skylight. They
are still there five days later.

Most of Claytons family close by made it, and a
few friends. We had over 20 people show up with
a plethora of food. Despite the lethargic looking adult
party-goers, It was super fantastic!

Clayton.. always pretends to be the party pooper,
Yet the ears suggest he's totally into this one!

Ballshooter (not balls/hooter, ball/shooter!)
gift from mom. He looooves it.

This picture would be more party-esque if you
could see the stupid balloon!

I made that Cake.. Kudos to me! hehe
(but chocolate frosting penetrated the motor
of the toy car.)

"Why"s for the Wise.. the first installment

2009-02-12T20:55:00.000-08:00

(For Shelsi)

I often ponder the inconsequencial. Thought I should add this segment to my blog to get my questions out there.. and possibly some of them answered! I will add more installments as my curiousity continuously prowls into those upside down alleys of my mind.

Here is what I have been thinking about lately...

~Why is it that my kid can sleep half the night in his own vomit.. Yet I can’t even sleep if I hear a clock ticking, or if my clothes are twisted at all, or if I feel like my pillow is permanently bending my eyebrow hairs the wrong way?!

~Why do I get self-conscious when I think too much of my socks show under my pants when I sit, but would not be embarrassed to moon 80% of the people I know?

~Why is it more comfortable for me to be around a corpse than any kind of circus-folk? (shudder)

~Why would any company think that, when putting clients on hold, they will be more patient and the experience more pleasant when there is music playing in the background, if the music is PERRY COMO?!

~If toenail clippers were alive, would the clipping part be their mouth? If so… EWW!

~Does Brad Pit’s toilet feel lucky to be in that position? Does it brag to it’s bathroom fixture friends?

~If my brain produced more Serotonin, would I be more outgoing OR would I be happy to be left the hell alone because I wouldn’t need anyone?

~Should we really be threatened by those seemingly perfect magazine cover models/celebrities? Have you ever considered that they may actually grow more hairs on their big toes than you do? I bet they do, no one can have it all.

~If someone KNOWS that they’re stupid… shouldn’t that deem them less stupid than the unaware?

~Most people seem to have those three looming cosmic questions… “Where did I come from? Why am I here? and Where am I going?” .. I think I am pretty confident in the answers to these, but what I’m constantly wondering is how the hell the universe always seems to have an uneven number of socks?!!!!

Re-post..A Farewell to Foreskin ~hypothetical religious poem

2009-02-05T17:53:00.002-08:00

Sometimes it's hard to be a Jew..
Why? you ask
I will tell you
They require a procedure called "Circumcision"
so the "one-eyed snake" has better vision?
It's done by a fella called a Moyle
And I hear my unit he will spoil
But since I am a faithful Yid
I'll do what my forefathers did
Farewell, dear Foreskin
I'll miss you
Sometimes it's Hard to be a Jew!

Nat-facts, the sequel

2009-02-05T17:53:00.001-08:00

1. When I was a toddler, I actually WAS dropped on my head (so all you who wonder frequently what's wrong with me, there ya go!)
2. I grew up in a mortuary, so if we ever needed extra fridge space for food, there were four coffin sized ones downstairs!
3. Years ago, I named the little toe on my right foot “Howie.” Why? … good question.
4. One of the banes of my existance is the crust that developes on the mustard bottle!
5. When I am nervous or anxious around acquaintances, I will hum quietly and somewhat out of tune. Weird thing is, I do it out of tune because I don't want those that can hear me to think that I am humming to show off any true singing talent. Funny that I worry what other people may think in these types of circumstances.. but not when I open my mouth and spout whatever is on my mind!
6. Sometimes I neglect shaving my legs for longer than I want to admit. I feel like when you’re a mom, you shouldn’t be ashamed until you can tie those hairs in a knot!
7. I enjoy writing. I do not write anything particularly thought provoking, inspiring, or even relevant.. but it is a healthy outlet of humor and cynicism.
8. I wore A LOT of black growing up. Yes, I was a somewhat depressed kid, but it was mainly because it hid the fat rolls better than yellow and purple. I was not considered E-mo, because I was too much of a dork.. and I didn’t write poetry about death and cutting myself J
9. I have to talk myself out of fast food almost daily. It is comforting to me, though it makes me a little ill.
10. If I have a good coupon.. even if it is for something that I never use.. I feel guilty if I don’t buy that thing because it’s such a good deal!
11. I can barely see out of my right eye; and my left is not awesome either, but I have been doing everything possible to avoid glasses or contacts because I’m irresponsible.
12. I don’t think Sushi is actual food. I think it’s bait.
13. I count how many seconds my pee streams last.
14. I won second place in a regional engineering fair once after making a pot that stirred itself.
15. While I am doing my hair, I will have one tiny line of a song or movie repeating in my head over and Over and OVER (ex: “Stellaaaaaaaaaa!” from Seinfeld, or a streetcar named Desire.) I hate it.
16. I am very aware and not too pleased about the ampleness of my bosoms.
17. I think I understand other languages better than I actually do.
18. I break pieces off of bread and squish them into little balls before eating them.
19. I LOVE the smell of fabric softener. It’s more alluring than any cologne, but the men who usually smell like it either still live with their mother, or are gay.
20. I wrap toilet paper around my hand two times and always use the same number of squares.
21. I hate it when people lick their chapped lips while talking, and let the slobber gather In the corners of their mouth.
22. I hope to, one day, get lucky on a sailboat.
23. I have a strong aversion to those kiosk shops in the middle of mall hallways. Especially when the associates touch me, or try to put something on me!
24. Before I was 24, I had never eaten a brussel sprout!
25. My secret wish is to design my own house with a fish tank for one whole wall… and also to become a marketable songwriter. I will likely never have the money or connections to do either!

Midway Christmas

2008-12-29T14:25:00.001-08:00

We spent our Christmas at my Mom's condo outside of Park City. There was a huge snowstorm that burried us there, but we had a great time playing in it! Clayton and I also just had our 6 year anniversary.

Our first family picture with Anthony -snow kinda got in the way

All the Fausett kids together in one place! This could get dangerous..

This snow drift was taller than 8 feet!

What good is a snowdrift if you can't make a cave?!

(Shut up about the Penguin pants, they are Clayton's!)

Decorating for Christmas

2008-12-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

Decorating the Tree! (We have very few ornaments,
so we stick flowers all over it. I need some balls! teehee

Anthony liked helping.. but he's broken two ornaments already

Awww.. pretty flower

Putting on the final piece..

Annnnd TADAAAA!

Good thing we have a lot of Christmas boxes

since we won't really have any actual presents

under the tree this year! We poh! Anthony

thinks opening the boxes is great, though, so

we're all set!

My French Fairytale

2008-11-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

Once upon a Mime

In a glass box far away

There was a striped shirt named Irving

He was fairly content

Though he often found

Rubbing against a Mime's nipples unnerving

Still he climbed those fake ladders

And tugged those fake ropes

Until both the Mime's armpits were damp

And irving thought to himself

"Wow I really am lucky

When I consider what sweats in those pants!"

The End :)

Halloween

2008-11-01T19:52:00.001-07:00

Had fun at the ward Trunk Or Treat. Anthony was mad while I was trying to force him into the costume.. ended up having to cut the feet out because he's too tall. He cheered right up after catching on to the "Candy" idea.

Anthony "Shrek" Lofthouse

I LOVE those EARS!

Great costume angle

Baby's first pumpkin gutting

2008-11-01T19:20:00.001-07:00

"You want me to stick my hand

in there?"

"You're kiddding, right?"

"Well, here goes..."

"Wow, this is NASTY!"

"I better bet gettin' some candy for this!"

It took forever for me to talk Anthony into doing this! He got some guts on his thumb first and was completely disgusted. We ended up sticking one of his toy cars in the pumpkin to get him to stick his hand in it.

Why I am not allowed to do children's shows..

2008-10-22T19:15:00.001-07:00

Click on the image for full view

I was watching Curious George with Anthony

while we were drawing pictures.

I couldn't think of what to draw..

Then the cartoon inspired me.

(theme song, slightly altered)
"You never do know what's around the bend
A big adventure or some handsome men
When you're curious..
Bi-Curious George!
Swing!"

You Know it's going to be a good day When...

2008-10-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

Your Breakfast Smiles at You!

And it WAS a good day.

Guess who spilled the salt

2008-10-12T20:33:00.001-07:00

It took some intense investigating, but I think I figured out who the culprit was!

Fun with Dad

2008-10-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

I love watching my boys play!

But seems Dad always gets tired first!

A question I've pondered for some time now..

2008-10-09T10:52:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered if when a Daddy fly is telling a baby fly a bedtime story, that he begins with "Once upon a poo.." ? I suppose if this is true, it may end with everyone living "crappily ever after"! Just something to think about.

One of the sweetest moments

2008-10-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

I walked into my mom's kitchen a couple weeks ago and found Anthony doing this. I'm hoping it was more out of spiritual motivation than wanting to play ring around the rosies.. but how could I NOT share this picture. This kid never ceases to amaze me!

2008-10-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

Anthony now eats with utensils! er.. he eats utensils. And he's only poked himself in the eye with a fork ONCE!

A tribute to Space Ghost

2008-09-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

"Have you ever made a beef log baby? One time I made a whole villiage of beef log babies.

You ever pretend that the villiage of beef log babies rise up and try to kill your head? That's when I have to lie down."

~How I miss the cartoon network.

"Nataphors"

2008-09-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

I am adding a new series to my blog. I shall call it "The Nataphor Series." What is a Nataphor, you ask? It's similar to a "Metaphor", except it's more related to Nat, then to Met ... whoever that is.

Nataphor of Bowls

2008-09-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

You know, Sometimes life really can be like a bowl of cherries. Other times, just so the cherries don't get cocky, life is more like a bowl of toilet water. And sometimes what seemed like good cherries end up right in the middle of that toilet bowl.

I gotta start remembering to spit out that stupid pit, instead of thinking there can be no harm in sucking everything I can out of life's good moments. Being joyously careless can result in some really uncomfortable bowel movements.. and cherry bowl glutteny can result in some serious diarrhea.

Don't be too put off by circumstances such as hypothetical pit poop.. when it happens, just flush my friends; flush and forget.

Little known Nat-facts

2008-09-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

1. If I see something that looks soft or fluffy, I HAVE to touch it. I once woke up an old man sitting in front of me on an airplane because I stroked his hair.

2. I never screw the milk lid on all the way

3. I will NOT eat blue food under any circumstances

4. I wear my underwear inside out all the time by mistake

5. I'm a germ-a-phobe.. I will not touch bathroom doors without a paper towel, and I open public doors with my feet. I hate baths because I feel like I'm soaking in my own filth. I wash my hands at least 10 times while cooking, BUT I don't always wash apples before eating them! I have no explanation for this.

6. I turn my pillow over about 10 times a night because I like the cold side

7. I listen to Light FM 100 when no one is in the car with me. SHUT UP, I LIKE DAN FOGLEBURG!

8. I CAN'T STAND PT CRUISERS! Seeing one can ruin my day.

9. I wear tube socks to church under my dress boots

10. I would agree with People Magazine, that George Cloony could be the sexiest man alive, IF he had two separate eyebrows.

Isn't it Ironic..

2008-09-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in the middle of something important, like the the season premier of HOUSE, and heard an unexpected yet enthusiastic knock on the door? You hesitate.. because the Doc is about to deliver a classic metaphorical insult or clever euphemism, but decide it couldn't hurt to see who's come to visit.

You distractedly open the door. You see two to three sweating individuals dressed up in smiles and flowery polyester to share the Good News!

Then when you smile back.. they will share with you that news! And the news is..... That you've been deceived and are going straight to hell with most of the population! Oh, thank the Lord, you think.. It could have been the Amway guy!

You Know What I Hate? 2008... Dryer Sheets!

2008-09-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I cannot say that I am NOT the kind of person that enjoys soft clean clothes smelling Snuggly Fresh. I really do, in fact, I use both liquid fabric softener and dryer sheets to enhance the chemical olfactory illusion of smelling not only clean.. but also like I've just frolicked through a meadow of wild flowers.

My problem is this: Used dryer sheets never go away, they're like Herpes.. you don't always notice an outbreak, but they're always there.. under the surface somewhere waiting for an inopportune moment to pop up.

I find dryer sheets EVERYWHERE, no matter how many times I KNOW I've thrown them away. I really believe that the first dryer sheet I ever used is, at this very moment, clinging to the inside of a pair of my pants. I've often been surprised to find that a persistant itch throughout a work day has turned out to be a stowaway sheet statically plastered to my underwear. They take up house in our towels, there's a community of them under the washing machine, and heaven help us from a surprise attack when we open a sock drawer!

Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my brand choices. I have been partial to Snuggle and Bounce: I may be bringing this on myself by chosing products that suggest they snuggle up to your unsnuggly parts, or bounce back whenever thrown out!

I think I must now clarify... I do not have Herpes.

You Know What I Hate? 2008 ... Wind Chimes!!

2008-08-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

I do, I HATE wind chimes! If you need something obnoxious and semi-musical to tell you it's windy, watch the bloody weather chanel!!

You Know What I Hate? 2008

2008-08-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've decided that in order to avoid pent up hostility and irritation, I needed to create a venting section in my blog. We'll consider "the flushing" problem the first "know what I hate? 2008" entry.

MARRIAGE NAT-ISM

2008-07-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

To me, Marriage is like Chicken-pox. I'm only getting it once.

Constipation.. a theory that rhymes

2008-07-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

As of late, there seems to be an epidemic in this nation;
People in a chronic state of mental aggravation.
They’re flipping out on everyone without any provocation,
And I believe I may have found a common correlation.

Hostility is stemming from a cause I’ve isolated.
These people are all cranky just because they’re constipated.

Yes, I believe the real problem is lack of defecation;
Backed up colon, impacted stool, and poop procrastination.
A problem simply remedied by intestinal hydration
Should not cause the populous such violent irritation.

So get those heads out of those butts, and you’ll be tolerated.
And don’t crap on other people just because you’re Constipated!

Ode to a Wheat-Thin

2008-07-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

“Ode to a Wheat Thin”

Oh, little charming wheat thin
you saved me poor little tummy

Because, little crunchy wheat thin
I forgot breakfast, and you're so yummy.

AND little scrumptious wheat thin
someone brought a cheese ball today!

SO my delightful wheat thin
Stomach acid won't eat my gastro-intestinal membrane away!

Know What I Hate? 2008 ... Non-Flushers!

2008-07-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

Of course we're all guilty of a time or two, where we've realized that in a rush we've been multitasking in the bathroom (maybe on the phone), and forgotten to take care of that crucial final step. Flushing the toilet. If you are like me, this "fecal" error is something that has NEVER happened outside my own home.

If only this were the case for everyone.. or even the majority. Who HASN'T walked into a public bathroom and slowly opened the door only to find the evidence of someone else's healthy bowels stagnating at the bottom of the toilet? I mean, we're happy for them because they get enough fiber, but PLEASE! Do you have to publicly proove it?? These are the shameless types. They must be destroyed, or take a class on bathroom ettiquette. I think I'll start that class.. Sanitation 101: Where the toilet handle is, and how it works. A Pass or Fail course. But I'm not grading the final!

There are other perpetrators that I don't hold such a strong animosity toward: Those who Flush and Run. Ya gotta admitt, it's not the most disirable thing to have to view the physical evidence of what brought you to the toilet in the first place.. but to spare others viewing it for you, one should always wait around for the followup flush when necessary.

And we can't leave out the final circumstance of flush-deficiency.. The Poop Pulp problem. You know when things just don't properly digest, and you're faced with a problem that is nigh unflushable? The poop pulp. The fibrous floaties that just won't submitt to the poly-flush (may also happen with recycled toilet paper). What can you do? JUST FLUSH AGAIN! It has to succumb eventually. All evidence MUST be destroyed. That boat ain't sailing without pulling the magic lever, sometimes repeatedly with big boats! Exorcise that butt deamon, and send it to a place where it can never return to haunt future bathroom patrons of the world! ... That is all

Life after Love

2008-06-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Life after Love.. I think Cher's interpretation of this phrase is kinda lame and Angsty. The man leaves.. and she is sad. WOW! never been a song about THAT before!

This is the way I see it..

Life after Love is what happens when you get married. It is a lot like Life after death. I shall explain:

Picture this regular scenario.. Boy meets girl, girl likely starts out indifferent or uninterrested initially. Boy sees this as a challange to be overcome; and, as in overcoming most challanges, has to become the best version of himself and pursue his goal. Suddenly, he becomes the smooth-talking, door-opening, attention-giving validator for girl. What girl would see this as off-putting? NONE. So she buys it. Hook is bated, girl is snared; and after reaching the point of no return in the relationship, the poor fish is metaphorically gutted. Since there's no merciful rock to the head first, the gutting process is slow and painful.

Starts at the mouth, same as a trout. Suddenly everything she says is either wrong or ignored. Then down to the lungs; when he becomes controlling and she is no longer given any breathing room. The heart begins to be ripped out at this point, but may continue trying to beat as the gutting proceeds to the stomach and loins. Ahh, the loins.. she has bourn his children, destroyed her body to do it. We've been exposed (in a number of ways) Discomfort and Vulnerability quickly follow.

So there we are.. empty fish ready for grilling, but we'll gladly sacrifice ourselves to satisfy his needs. No more need for a man to bait the hook (with chivalry or compliments.. or time) unless he finishes you off and goes after other seafood.

Ahhh, life after love. It's a good fish fry; good for you, but the meal may bring about more post-supper bloat than contented satifaction. I must say, though, I am happily bloated. Above you will see the man who snagged me... or at least the butt of that man. What woman could resist this charming creature?

If I had a million dollars

2008-06-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

I've never been a wealthy person. I was born with no silver spoon in my mouth.. in fact, as a child, I remember using picnic-ware at most meals.. recycled too! Mom taught us where to load it in the dishwasher so it wouldn't melt. I remember living in our apartment which was attached to a mortuary; at the time there were four kids. We all shared a bedroom the size of a walk-in closet. There was a bunkbed for the two oldest kids (I had the top until I started falling off in my sleep), a trundel bed kept under the bunkbed for the middle sister, and baby Johnny was in the crib... until he was three or four and his legs started sticking out of the bars.

But we were happy! Beside the fact that there were corpses in the basement and hurses in the parking lot, it was a very normal childhood. We did have a limosine! It was usually strictly used for funeral processions, but we had to take it on a road trip once because the family had grown out of the Oldsmobile Omega. I remember stopping at a McDonald's on this trip, and seeing all the curious eyes wondering what celebrity might be craving a Big Mac.. then they saw us, The Fausetts, piling out in ragedy-road-trip-stained sweats, messy hair, and candy residue on our faces. We were a picture of class! I'm sure weeks later, mourning families with sad heads hanging down as they were transported to the cemetary, were wondering why there were french fries stuck to the limo carpet.

Now I'm broke and married and a mom. My little boy knows the joy of wearing 4th hand clothes, and staying in a diaper until every last bit of absorbtion is used up. But this situation makes us better people in the long run. For instance; I would never look at an orphan and think "Wow, what a dirty, pitiful little kid!" Instead, I would think to myself "I wonder where he got those great shoes."

SO.. If I ever had a million dollars (or 500,000 after taxes), I think I would probably use more diapers.

A Disgusting Miracle

2008-01-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Childbirth: They say it's a beautiful thing... they are MISTAKEN!

It was gross, and about as private as taking a dump in front of a large audience. First you get a thorough shave "down there" then it's Me in all my grand, fat nakedness, sprawled out on an operating table while they pull what, at first, looks like a huge, slimy purple amphibian from my womb. I'd love to forget almost the whole of the experience, besides the end. I'm happy to mother this little feces factory. He's cranky, stinky, has lopsided ears and an insatiable appetite for boob, but I love this little metaphorical fruit of my literal loins.